My dad came home one night and handed me a business card. I met with your mother’s best friend tonight. She said you can give her a call whenever. I took the card and walked outside immediately. I dialed the number and she picked up. “Oh sweetie you didn’t deserve this…” She wept with me. I didn’t understand half of what the news said had happened. She walked me through how the entire legal process worked, and what the terminology actually meant. She prepared my heart for what I would face, and all the possibilities of what could happen. She advised me on how I should speak to my husband and if I should speak to my husband. She told me not to pin him to wall on the phone…. (Already did lady).
She also said that if I truly loved him, I would stop talking to him as much. The reason being is that he was going to want to do was pour his heart out, get things right and confess, and the fact of the matter was that every time he said he was sorry, he was admitting to wrong doing.
This was a hard pill for me to swallow. I mean, I was glad he told the truth. I was proud that he didn’t deny what he did. I was glad the cycles of deception were open and that he was being honest, however when it comes to the legal system, she explained that locking child porn offenders away was as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. I would have to find a way to channel my anger, my want for answers, and patiently wait. She said it was a good thing that he was cooperating with the police, but that when the case got turned over to the state, they could still turn around and prosecute him for every account that they found. (She was absolutely right.)
She also explained to me the financial repercussions of what would happen, and that I might want to consider divorce as an option. She told me that if I loved him I loved him, and that it was okay to do that, but I just had to realize the truth. He watched the sexual abuse of children by other adult men, for his own gratification. She then gave me some information on someone who could walk me through the process in more detail. They helped me because they absolutely loved my mother. She also ended the conversation by asking me if I needed a divorce attorney.
At one week into this ordeal, I was no where near ready to make that decision. I was just trying to process everything and keep my head on straight. My counselor often tells me that the decision doesn’t have to be made right away. I have time, I don’t have to rush it. Even when he gets out, I don’t have to rush it. He said something to me recently that made a lot of sense. When a plant grows, if it is tied down it grows twisted. When the ropes are cut it will grow upright, it still grows from a place of being twisted, damaged and hurt.
Sometimes we tend to give advice from the same lens. Myself included. I think about the female officer that was at my house the day my husband was arrested, it was obvious she wasn’t completely objective in her job… The way she talked about how she had just divorced her husband. Her disdain for men period. I suppose it’s hard to have a job like that and enforce it without inserting your own vigilante sense of justice into it. I’ve come to realize that we all cry out for justice until we become the offenders, then we are pretty quick to cry out for mercy.
I don’t condone in any way shape or form the actions of my husband. I still throw up if I think about it for too long. I am however learning to take a step back, unpack all of my reasoning for headed the direction that I am, and see through the lens of everyone affected in this horrible mess of a crime. I refuse to just see through the lens of my own hurt. It will cripple everyone around me.