Are you struggling to find your voice in the middle of listening to everyone else’s opinions about your situation? Maybe today you’re just trying to breathe. I know the feeling too well. Everyone seems to have an opinion about your situation. Yes, your husband viewed child pornography. Yes, your world has just been blown apart! If you were a stay at home mom like me, then yes you are probably feeling just how real the struggle is because you’ve done what you said you would never do, which is move back in with a parent! And parents… definitely do not keep there opinions to themselves even when they say they are. From your close friends to your counselor (I highly recommend you get one) everyone wants to weigh in on the issue.
It’s enough to make you feel insane. Because honestly, it’s in our nature to want to please. It’s in our nature to want to fit in. It’s in our nature to want to be liked. Just know, that if you choose to remain with your spouse, you are going against the normal of nature when it comes to public opinion, so don’t be surprised when people respond a certain way. I have to be straight forward, it’s okay for them to have an opinion. However, when it all comes down to it, this is your family, your husband and no one can choose for you. People will process this tragedy through the lens of their own life, and it’s America, free speech can’t be stopped, no matter how hurtful or intrusive it is. You choose whether you will be victimized and put up with it or not.
Understand Their Hurt
Your immediate family will hurt for you. Your brothers, sisters, and parents are going to take this personally. When you think about it, their trust in your spouse has been betrayed as well. They hurt because you hurt, they hurt because your children hurt. Your family is probably filled with indignation because of the secret that this man kept from you, and the depth of filthiness and depravity it takes to do something like this.
You might say to yourself, “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Absolutely true on every account, however people are willing to throw some pretty big stones at this one. You don’t mess with the children. Jesus even states “It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble.” When I think about just the fact that someone could sit down and watch for their own gratification, a grown man rape and sexually batter a child, yet alone my spouse, I throw up. How did this mess all start anyway? Many aren’t willing to sit down with you and your significant other to find out.
It will take time for those wounds to heal. Your spouse will need to man up, apologize, have some serious conversations with your family members, and even face being rejected in the aftermath of all of this. That is actually okay. We can’t have everyone in this life love us. It is a gamble when you don’t know if the man you a risking it all for will do this to you again. That is something you will have to settle within yourself.
You Should be listening, But to What?
I am reminded of the verse in the bible that says be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to wrath. I am having to live it out on all fronts now. With my husband, I can’t just jump to conclusions. I have to rationally and with wisdom hear him out on how this all happened. I can’t just cut him off to take the opportunity to chew him out and drive him further into the dirt every time he tries to explain himself. The key to his recovery is fostering his own honesty and being able to open up. Choosing to walk with him through this even if you don’t remain married will definitely require another type of selflessness that others aren’t going to always respect you for if they still respect you at all.