Sometimes the roads we choose seem like ones that will inevitably come to a dead in. It feels like there is absolutely nothing that we can do about it. Whether I like it or not, we are not the Crosby family. I am not a millionaire who will get my husband removed from the registry. We are who we are. A family now, that is just trying to make it.
It is really hard waking up every day, knowing that my husband’s charges might get discovered while he is in prison. Watching all those videos about what could happen to him once anyone finds out that he had anything to do in association with children whether he physically harmed a child or not, doesn’t help. I have resolved to shut those videos off and just pray. Just pray that he makes it through his 3-year stint in prison ok, knowing that once he gets out, the lifelong punishment begins. It won’t just affect him, but me and our children as well.
I’ve thought about what that means often. I have weighed it out… I have wept for countless hours. Sometimes I feel as though I am going to die. It is really hard for me to stomach the fact that my husband will be publically punished and shamed for the rest of his life because he viewed the previews, downloaded the films, decided it was wrong to watch and deleted the files. I really hate child pornography. I really hate the men the produce it. I share equal hatred for the men that seek it out and watch it. My husband is one of them. Do I hate my husband? Yes and no.
I just so hate the action. I hate the way any human being could make anyone else an object of their lust and drool over them. That’s why I hate pornography period. It’s dehumanizing. It’s senseless. It makes relationships shallow. It ruins genuine intimacy. And the repercussions in marriages are horrible, just look at any study, and it’s easy to see. Yet somehow the U.S. Government legalized it in the ’70s.
I guess because I decided to work things through, I am fighting battles on two fronts. The battle in my brain, and emotions, and the battle against the overwhelming majority of society. I will never win. Based on the research, it’s obvious to see that Pedophilia is a mental disorder. They’ve actually seen the differences in the wiring of the brain. So, my husband is at a genetic disadvantage. He is an otherwise completely normal human being. He was predisposed to like a certain thing if he was ever exposed to it. That’s where everything changes. Just because you’re predisposed doesn’t mean you’re predestined. How will someone ever know if they like vegetables if they were never exposed to them…
This is where things really start to suck. He was exposed to it as a teenager. I won the lotto in marrying a pedophile. Under extreme stress, it manifested in his adult life. He chose to view those previews and download those files. He chose. You see, it’s not the fact that he has this horrible disorder that bothers me. I can deal with that because is non-exclusive. They can’t even replicate anything that causes the slightest bit of attraction to children in any of his testing. He’s attracted to adult women. But, for whatever reason, at this point in his life, something seriously malfunctioned in his head. Again, he made the choice to play peekaboo with those films. And it has cost us everything.
Does he deserve to be punished? Absolutely. Does he deserve rehabilitation? Absolutely, and that will be done at our own expense. We are not even allowed to have our insurance help pay for it. Our state offers no rehabilitation services in prison, so he will just have to deal with his own personal trauma and all the trauma he has caused everyone else on his own until he is released.
Even with counseling, I feel like I am drowning under the weight of all of this. How could someone that gave so much of his life, so much of his finances, so much of his time and heart, to help others end up in a place so low, that everyone will spit on him, disassociate from him and tell him that he is now of no use to society despite how productive he once was.
He was and still is a really good father to his sons. The fact that they will be ostracized, and bullied at school because of a public registry breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. But, this is the price we will pay, for being a family that stays together in the midst of adversity. One can only hope that maybe one-day things will change. I can’t even make myself known on this blog, for fear my husband’s charges may be discovered while he is in prison. But I wanted to at least let other women know, that if you are going through his, you are far from alone.